Anxiety, disappointment, failure

So I wrote this earlier today and kept it in my drafts. I have been back and forth as to whether or not I want to publish this or not. After some soul searching I decided (obviously) to post it and let people think what they will. 

Anxiety, disappointment, and failure.... All things that I live with every day it seems. 

I am constantly worried about failing those around me. Constantly worried that those who think I will fail will also think I am not adequate enough to do this job.  Do they think this.... Probably not, but my brain always spins it in a way that I believe this is true.  

I worry that I am failing my kids. I have missed so much of their short lives so far.  Missed things I will never get back. I'll never get back those early morning feeds where it was just the two of us looking at each other with love. I feel I failed them because I was only there half the time, less when I work nights. I most likely missed their first steps, their first crawl, and so many other firsts but I will

Never know because we have been blessed with amazing sitters over the years that never told us when those things happened so we would believe they were a first when we saw them.   

I wonder if I am failing them on the side of being a disciplinarian or a loving parent. Does my job make me see their actions in a different light. Do I see their actions and get upset because I just dealt with a teenager doing the same stuff and their parents never corrected them and now they were disrespectful brats?  I don't know. Do i "yell" or scold our kids in the same manner as others... Probably not. Take the other night, prefect example.... As we were leaving target our 5 year old continued his streak of not listening and decided it was okay to burst out of the exit doors and run right in to the driving lane. I yelled at him, he stopped dead in his tracks, and with his head down walked back to me apologizing for what he just did. In that instance I feel like people around me were thinking I am a horrible parent who needs to teach her kids how to listen and how to respect his parents. I also feel like I looked like a crazy woman when I yelled at him using my "cop" yell.  People just don't understand what it's like with a kid that has a few special needs. And it's even harder when some of my son's own extended family don't believe there is anything wrong with him. Sensory processing disorder is a beast to try to explain. It's hard when I have been told by a family member that there is nothing wrong with him and he is just being a kid. They have also told me that my poor decisions as a parent are the cause of his actions.

 Speaking of special needs... We have begun the process of having our son evaluated by the school district for autism. I want to believe that his only issue is his sensory processing disorder and he is one of the lucky ones that does not have an autism diagnosis to go with the SPD, but the older he gets the more I see his behavior just isn't "right."  I can only imagine how this will go with certain family of he is in fact given the educational diagnosis. I am just hoping for answers. I hope he doesn't have aspergers or another high functioning autism, but at least a negative result will allow me to stop questioning if there is something more. Worst case scenario, he has HFA and receives services through the school which will help him lead a normal and productive life. A life in which no one will know unless he tells them. 

Disappointment

Today I saw an article from Buzzfeed explaining something called imposter syndrome. Basically thinking you aren't good enough and the things you achieve were not really earned and people were being nice. At that very moment this article hit home. I constantly feel like I am not good enough. I feel that I could make 30 traffic stops in a day and make 2 arrests, and get a work out in and none of that would be good enough for someone (no one in particular.) I feel like just because I made X number of stops that they aren't good enough because they are in spots that are easy to find. I think this because I have been told this. Last I checked a stop is a stop. Never know what that stop will product. But I digress. I feel like I am disappointing my supervisors when something doesn't go "right" or when I try to explain something I am just being selfish and laying blame. Maybe that's what it comes across as, but in MY head I don't see that. I can't step outside and hear myself and wonder how this will be heard by someone else. I feel like I have dissapointed someone I work with and who has now subsequently lost all trust in me. I am not offended or hurt by what he thinks. In my head I know that I did the right thing. I always saw us a good acquaintances, not friends because it's not like I went out for drinks with him or hung out in my spare time, but enough of a listening ear that he felt comfortable venting too. Apparently word got around, not from me, what was said and when I was confronted by a supervisor I told the truth. That evening I told this person what had happened, because I thought that was the right thing to do so he wasn't blindsided by this,  and that I tried to deflect but it didn't matter. I may as well plunged a knife right into his back at that very moment. And then here comes my anxiety rearing its ugly little head.

I also feel like I am disappointing my extended family and failing them. I have always had trouble maintaining good relationships with my friends. I know I have upset my sister in law because I have unintentionally let our friendship dwindle. We were suite mates and friends in college. That's where we met and that's how she met my brother. So our relationship is more than the girl my brother married. Not only that, I am missing out on seeing my niece and nephew. I often feel like I am stretched so thin. Days I work... I get off, go home, eat dinner, Bathe the boys, get them to bed, then spend a little time with my husband. My off days.... Get boys up, take one to school, go workout, get lil guy from school (pre k) then run errands, (grocery shopping, post office, ect...) feed boys lunch, get lil lil guy down for a nap. By the time he wakes up my husband is about to get off work. I find it so hard to balance my family life with my outside family life with my "social" life. I am so hopeful that with my new schedule next year and having "normal" hours that I will be able to dedicate the time needed to make sure these relationships are all getting the attention they need. I mean, my brother and his family moved back home from Seattle and I feel like I see them only a little more now then I did when they were away and that is not right and it's my fault. 

Anxiety

Such a taboo word. People think that if you have anxiety that you are weak, that you just need to get thicker skin and deal with life. Well, not that simple.

 Take the story above. Word got back to me that he was basically "done" with me. Even deleted me as a Facebook friend, whatever. I could honestly care less what one person thinks in that instance  because I know from the depths of my heart that I did the right thing and did the same thing that any other officer with integrity and respect for their command would have done. My thoughts, though, run out of control about who all has he told, who else thinks I am a backstabbing and untrustworthy bitch. These thoughts race through my head, they wake me from dreams. They spin out of control to the point that I begin to wonder that if the department thinks I am untrustworthy, will they be there for me when I need them?  I think they would regardless but my thoughts always revert back to worse case scenarios. 

That's just a snipit of the thoughts I have. That is one reason that I took to writing a blog. I felt if I was at least able to pen my thoughts that maybe they would clear my head because now they are out there. My crazy is out there for the world to see, even if it really isn't craziness. I'm not ashamed to admit that I went to see a counselor last summer for my anxiety. It was well worth the time I spent. Telling someone all of my deepest thoughts that had plagued me since I was a teenager felt amazing. The relief I felt when I let it out was immense. Words cannot describe the weight that I felt was lifted off of my shoulders. Over the course of the next 8 weeks of sessions I could tell things were different. I felt free. I felt open.  I was also referred to an amazing primary care doc that values the importance of mental health. We talked for a bit and he prescribed me a very mild  anti anxiety medication. That in conjunction with my sessions did wonders. I wasn't yelling at the boys so often, I wasn't getting as mad at work about little things, I wasn't  being distant or mad at my husband. Things were great. But this medication had a side effect of weight gain. I gained almost 10 pounds in the short months that I took it despite eating well and exercising. I brought my concerns to my doc and he switched my medication. The transition was a little rough. There was a week during the early phase of the switch that nothing was right, I was getting mad at the kids at the drop of a hat, I didn't want my husband near me and I felt like I was just going to explode from my anxiety. The next week all of that went away, presumably because the medication had finally

Leveled out. 

My anxiety often causes me to have very rough sleep.  It causes me to have no nails. When I am really nervous or anxious about something I pick my nails. I've done it ever since I was at least 4, I know this age because apparently I was doing it in a family photograph. I often pick them to the point that they may bleed or just be painful. I let them grow a few days and then the viscous cycle starts all over. I guess I see it as my outlet. I don't do it because I want the pain. I hate it and that doesn't make me feel better, but it's something that I just can't seem to stop doing. I can stop for a few weeks if I know I have an event coming up that k want to paint my nails for, but those few weeks are like a smoker who can't smoke or an alcoholic that can't have a drink. My biggest relief is when I can actually pick them back down to where they were. Yes, I totally

Sound like a big ball of crazy right now but I swear I'm really not and I am typically able to conceal all of this and lead a "normal" life. 

 I always wonder if something I said or did is going to come back to haunt me. I always think people have other motives when they are around me. I worry that people will never forgive and forget something I said, even if it was not mean but rather caused a disagreement. I believe that the thought will always be in the back of their kid and I will never get it to go away.

  I worry that these "grudges" so to speak will linger and haunt me when I apply for a supervisory position. I was told last year that as long as certain people were In charge that I would probably not get stripes. Wow!  Okay!  That was one of the things that prompted me to look for employment elsewhere. Why should I stay someone where I have no room for advancement. I didn't want to retire from this position as a patrol officer. I just didn't. I feel that my decision to do this pissed a lot of people off, even if it really didn't and no one thinks anything of it. I felt like my prayers were answered when the school resource officer position came up. I feel that this is someone where that I can excel. This is somewhere that I can envision myself finishing my career at, even if it means retiring as "just" a patrol officer. 

Well enough about my cray cray "feelings."  Onto happier things!

So we have taken on many milestones for the boys this week. We enrolled our 5 year old in kindergarten for next year. I cannot believe my boy is going to be in school. We delayed him a year so I should be ready, but a part of me is not. I feel like if I blink he will be graduating and we will be shipping him off to San Diego for Marine boot camp and then watching him graduate from his School of Infantry. This kid has grunt written all over him and nothing would make his daddy more proud. Little dude on the other hand, we just don't see the Corps being in his future. He loves to play doctor and checkup so maybe he will go into the navy and be a field medic or become an actual physician through the Navy. We can see that. Then again, he may shy competed away from the military and that's okay with us too. 

Speaking of little guy, his 3rd birthday is quickly approaching. When did my baby boy grow up. We still aren't potty trained but we have had some spontaneous success in this matter. We told ourselves that when he was ready he would do it and we wouldn't it force it upon him. We "forced" and forced our 5 year old and all it did was lead to a lot of tears (from in and I,) a lot of stress, and it was all for naught. He still didn't decide to do it until he was almost 4. 

The next thing we decided is to change little guys bed into a big boy bed. And no I'm not talking transitioning from a toddler to a big bed.... No, he is still in his crib. Yep my 3 year old still in a crib. He likes it. He likes feeling "confined."  He doesn't try to get out, well at least he hadn't done that until recently. The other morning he threw open my bedroom door and announced to me that it was morning time and it was time to get up. Well okay, big boy bed time. We found a really cool memory foam mattress at a local store for a really good price and it comes with a memory foam contour pillow. Not going to lie, I am pretty excited. I'm not sure who is more excited. We went to target afterwards and he picked out "truck" bedding. He has carried the package all around the house ever since we got it since we don't have the mattress because they had to order it in.  Can't wait!

I began the new year with my typical get back into the gym dedication. I may stick with this. Since last Monday, (1/4) I have lost 5 pounds. I am very excited. My goal is 25 pounds so I am hopeful by summer I can achieve my goal!!!

One more day and we get to leave for a short weekend trip!  We are taking the boys to Kansas City. We had some choice hotel reward points we had to use by the end of January so this was what we chose. We are taking them to a restaurant called T Rex. Our boys will love this!! It's a dinosaur themed restaurant like Rainforest Cafe. Even though it's just an overnight trip, we are excited. It's nice to just get away. To get away from "life" and have fun. 

So anyway, that's really all I got for now. The beginning of this post was just a lot of thoughts that had been weighing on me for a while and I just needed to get it out. Sorry if it seemed like a rant or a complain session, because that was totally not the intention. 

Thanks for taking your time to read this!  

New Year....New post

Well the holidays are over and things are mostly back to normal.  I'm back on day shift at work, which I love since it allows me to spend my evenings at home with my family.  Thanks to my new SRO position, I may only have one more actual night shift rotation left before I begin the summer SRO schedule (which is park patrol) and then on to the school.  I am beyond excited to begin this new chapter in my life.

My excitement for being an SRO grew  by leaps and bounds while I attended a week long training to be "certified" or allowed by the State of Missouri to be an SRO.  I met some amazing officers that ranged from very urban and very rough to small town America.  It was a great group of people to work with for the week and I made a lot of great contacts and built some friendships while I was there.  We went through the basics like the history of the program and what we can and can't do with regards to FERPA (the school version of HIPAA.)  We also had a 2 day training mixed in dealing with identifying drug usage in a school setting.  It was a very informative training and it made some light bulbs click when we went over the signs and symptoms of a particular drug.  So many times  I have had someone that I have been dealing with either on a call or in custody and I just couldn't put my finger on what was different about this person.  This made so much more sense.  We also went over school safety and active shooter information.  I am so excited to have the opportunity to be a part of protecting the kids in our schools.  We all like to think that "it won't happen here" but I bet that's what every community that has had a school shooting has said.  No community is immune to the possibility of this happening.   We learned a lot about the new teaching of not so much locking down, but getting out if possible or even fighting back.  I have had a few tell me that it may be effective for older kids but there is no way an Elementary school aged kid would be able to fight back or know why they are doing what they are doing.  If that's your belief I think you are not giving these kids enough credit.  They are smarter than we think and I have no doubt in my mind that these kids could do this if they were taught to do it.  I know we will be teaching my children how to do this.  We were told that of the classroom of kindergartners that were murdered, 2 children survived...why...apparently they ran right past the sorry excuse for a human when he came in to the classroom.  This is why I think our kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

This was the thing I missed most while at training!

Not a whole lot has really been going on at work.  We had our yearly department Christmas party at which time I received a "life saving" award for a CPR save I had in 2014.  My squad mate also received one for a AED/CPR save he had on another call.  

I was recently asked to be a board member of the newly formed Chaplaincy group that was formed in my county/community.  Apparently they were looking for a female officer in the area and my name came up three separate times.  One of the people that brought my name up was someone that I had never met.  He knew of me through my brother who was in his Bible study group and he was very instrumental in helping my brother work through some issues that came up in his life.  The other two was a husband and wife couple who lead a local Cop ministry and who helped form this group.  I am very excited to be apart of this and look forward to where it may lead me!

I also sit back and think how blessed I am to have a very supportive group of people I work with, many of which I consider to be friends and not just co-workers.  Those are the ones that I trust, that I confide in.  The ones that I know would NEVER ask my to place my integrity on the line to lie for them when it is clear that the person talking to me already knows the answer to the question asked.  I don't know of too many other officers that would do any different.  Those that would ask me to do that are probably not friends and they can talk about me all they want behind my back.  I really don't care.  

With the new year arriving, it is now time for me to get my butt in gear and start helping our department's Explorer post raise some money so we can take them to the National Conference in Flagstaff, Arizona.  It should be a good time so hopefully we can raise enough to cover expenses so that some of the children don't have to be told that cannot go if their family cannot afford to cover the rest of the costs for their kids.  We have been very fortunate in years past that we have only asked our kids to pay  $50-$100 as a deposit so to speak so they have some financial investment in it and won't decide not to go at the last minute since the post has to pay whether they go or not.  Our kids have a really good time and we try to take them on some "adventures" in the areas we visit.  When we went to Ft. Collins, Colorado we spent a lot of time in the mountains it seemed.  On the way home we went to Pike's Peak.  I enjoyed it, but not as much as I could have since I was 12 weeks pregnant.  So anyway...we are working on some dine and donate things and a street collection so hopefully those pan out for us and we are successful.  Our kids work hard during the year being present at the downtown festivals to manage drink sales for the downtown association and they also make themselves available when someone has a community event and wants fingerprinting done for the children that attend.  They also work hard at the meetings soaking in all of the information we throw at them,  They work very well together and when it comes time for practicals, they do really well.  We are very proud of how hard they work and how well they work together.

Life on the home front has been exciting as of late.  Our biggest blessing is that we sold our first home that we had been renting out.  We were ecstatic that it was under contract about a month after listing it.  Everything went smoothly with the home inspection and the buyers and we closed on December 4!  Such a happy day.  Luckily the money we "made" helped bring us back to where were were financially before we lost over $3000 to our former tenants who have made no attempt to make good on their civil judgement despite their word that they would make payments but we really expected no less.    We also FINALLY completed a fence for our dog.  We tried so many things to contain him without putting up chain link but we finally had no choice.  For some reason the underground fence wouldn't work and he was terrified of the wireless fence.  In fact he jumped through it and ran away for a few days.  We didn't want to put the fence up at first because we didn't want to be "those" neighbors who came into the neighborhood and put a fence up when no one else near us had one.  Now we don't care, besides, our next door neighbor hates us we are pretty sure.  He glares at us and blames us for his water run off problems.  He wanted us to help him pay for a retaining wall because of the water that ran down from our yard (which also had water from the two houses above us) so instead my husband installed corrugated piping underground from the downspouts to carry the water to the street.  Wasn't good enough.  Then he was mad that the water was now running into his driveway and washing away his corner of mulch near the gutter.  He hasn't spoke 10 words to us since we moved in 2 years ago.  Oh well.  Our dog is happy as can be now that he has his fence.  He has the whole run of the backyard, but apparently spends the day staring across the street at our neighbors house looking sad.  

Speaking of our dog, we recently had a new water meter installed by the city so that they could remotely get the readings for billing.  Well I guess the city worker was also out there to see what residents hadn't "registered" their animals.  I guess they needed some way to help pay for the new water meters.  Wonder how many others got the same letter.  I hope the city doesn't spend those $2 in one place.  I am not opposed to the "fee," which is ridiculous by all accounts of local vets, but they could have gone about it differently.  Our small town is apparently the only one that does it anymore.  Seems like a waste of resources if you ask me.  That's okay, since they chose to address this in this manner, I have made it clear that no city employee (other than police on police business) is to be on our grounds (with the exception of their city right of way)  without both my husband and I being home.  


The tenth anniversary of my 21st birthday came and went.  My husband got me a pretty amazing gift...No sarcasm at all...he got me my very own Label maker.  He has no idea what kind of monster he has created.  There will be labels all over this house!  This is an OCD girl's dream.  We had a nice dinner at home with our good friends/neighbors.  And by nice dinner I mean we ordered pizza takeout from the local place in town since they were having an awesome special.  My parents came to the town I work in the next evening and took me out for dinner while I was at work.  I was blown away when our server came to me and told me that there was someone at the counter who wanted to buy a bowl of ice cream for me to thank me for what we do.  I was quite shocked. I went and thanked her and she said she would have paid for my meal had it not been paid for already (it was a pay then eat buffet style place.)  I felt honored that she did that for me.  I didn't need ice cream by any means, but I also did not want to be rude and deny it.   It felt very nice to be appreciated for what we do in this crazy world that we live in now where so many see us as a "goon" squad.  Our community has always been very supportive of our department and we didn't get a whole lot of the Ferguson effect even though we are a little over an hour away, at least not that I really noticed. 

And that brings us to Christmas.  Christmas was great.  I helped our 5 year old make Ninja Turtle Christmas ornaments for the tree we got for his room.  He had a blast and everyone we showed them to loved them.  

 We were also very blessed for the gifts our children received.  It was evident that they are truly loved and that we have so much to be thankful for.  I love the holidays just because that is the one time of the year that we are pretty much guaranteed to see everyone in the family.  We opened our home up to my mom's side of the family (which is the family I feel closest to and the cousins whom I consider to be more than cousins because I consider them some of my best friends.)  I love having everyone over.  It can be stressful but what family gathering isn't complete without a little stress.  Never in a million years would I have thought that our home could hold 30 people, mostly adults, without us all tripping over each other.  

I made some "candies" that I used to make with my mom when I was younger and I also made some cookies and made a peppermint bark that I saw on Pinterest.  It all turned out great!  I made too much and now I have cookies and "candies" all over that I won't eat since I have gone on my yearly "diet."  Speaking of diets...As of today....January 8. I am happy to say that I have lost 4 pounds just this week by cutting my calories and hitting the gym hard.  My goal is 25, so we shall see.  I am determined to get back to the weight I was at when I stopped nursing our youngest son.  I packed it on after I stopped despite cutting calories and working out.  It crept up and up to the tune of a 25 pound gain in 2 years.  I am not happy in my body and I don't want my boys to see me as their "big" mom, even though the people I am around say I don't look any different. I treated myself to a Fitbit Charge HR so I am hoping that keeps me motivated to do work.  Today I had 10,000 steps by 10:30 AM, but it probably helped that I spent an hour on the elliptical too.  

Our 5 year old got the two most important things he asked for...The Imaginext Transforming Bat Cave and a dancing/singing Snoopy from The Peanuts Movie...don't ask me...it was the random off the wall gift that he really wanted.  They also got some underwear and socks, some Transformer Rescue Bots, some Nerf guns and remote control cars, some Bubble Guppies toys, hot wheels and hot wheels tracks, clothing and pjs,the entire set of Goosebumps books (mine from when I was younger) and many others.   Our son is OBSESSED with Goosebumps, in fact it was one of the dates his daddy and I took him on.  His other date was the The Peanuts movie on Thanksgiving.  So we read 2 or 3 chapters a night from a book and he LOVES it!!!   I received a pair of beautiful diamond earrings from my husband, a Missouri State tote bag and Starbucks card from my Sister in laws, a 12 pack of essential oils and a book called Innocent Targets (a book concerning school safety with a section written by the great Lt. Col. David Grossman) from my Mother in law, an handmade wreath adorned with pink and purple ornament from my aunt and uncle (she said he made them all) and some cookbooks, and wine and other awesome goodies.  I bought my husband a new Amazon Fire tablet.  His Google Nexus finally gave out so he needed something to help him get through his long and uneventful trials at work.  

I am in love with my oils.  Just this week I bought a diffuser with a gift card I got for Christmas and we started diffusing lemon, lavender, and peppermint at night to help with the colds we had developed.  Not only did it make our room smell great, it helped us a lot.  I could tell as the day went on and I wasn't around them that my sinuses got worse.  I have now made myself a roller ball with that combination. I am so excited to get more oils so that I can have my own arsenal of oils for whatever ailment comes up.  I am also one step closer to being able to start making the lotions, soaps, and rollers that I previously talked about in an effort to make some money on the side.  

I have to put this in here, even though it does not flow at all with what I have already typed...as you have seen in other posts I participate in a site called Influenster.  I was chosen to receive their Jingle Bell Vox Box and I couldn't be happier.  It came with a coupon for a free bag of Ore Ida Potatoes, a Hallmark Itty Bitty that was Olaf from Frozen, a few packages of Biscoff biscotti biscuits, Kiss true volume fake eyelashes and the adhesive to place them, a small jar of Cetaphil lotion, NYC 24 hour eyeliner, and bottle of Blue Pure Ice nail polish.  Very cool stuff and I am happy with all of it.  I have not had a chance to use the eyelashes yet and I am not sure when I will, but I am sure they will look great when I do.  I can't really paint my nails because of work but I can paint my toes.  I was very happy with how fast it dried and how great it looked when it was on.  I also have to mention that all of those items were received at no cost to me to try and review.    If you want an invite send comment with your email address and I will send you one so you can join!!

That's all for now!!!