So I wrote this earlier today and kept it in my drafts. I have been back and forth as to whether or not I want to publish this or not. After some soul searching I decided (obviously) to post it and let people think what they will.
I am constantly worried about failing those around me. Constantly worried that those who think I will fail will also think I am not adequate enough to do this job. Do they think this.... Probably not, but my brain always spins it in a way that I believe this is true.
I worry that I am failing my kids. I have missed so much of their short lives so far. Missed things I will never get back. I'll never get back those early morning feeds where it was just the two of us looking at each other with love. I feel I failed them because I was only there half the time, less when I work nights. I most likely missed their first steps, their first crawl, and so many other firsts but I will
Never know because we have been blessed with amazing sitters over the years that never told us when those things happened so we would believe they were a first when we saw them.
I wonder if I am failing them on the side of being a disciplinarian or a loving parent. Does my job make me see their actions in a different light. Do I see their actions and get upset because I just dealt with a teenager doing the same stuff and their parents never corrected them and now they were disrespectful brats? I don't know. Do i "yell" or scold our kids in the same manner as others... Probably not. Take the other night, prefect example.... As we were leaving target our 5 year old continued his streak of not listening and decided it was okay to burst out of the exit doors and run right in to the driving lane. I yelled at him, he stopped dead in his tracks, and with his head down walked back to me apologizing for what he just did. In that instance I feel like people around me were thinking I am a horrible parent who needs to teach her kids how to listen and how to respect his parents. I also feel like I looked like a crazy woman when I yelled at him using my "cop" yell. People just don't understand what it's like with a kid that has a few special needs. And it's even harder when some of my son's own extended family don't believe there is anything wrong with him. Sensory processing disorder is a beast to try to explain. It's hard when I have been told by a family member that there is nothing wrong with him and he is just being a kid. They have also told me that my poor decisions as a parent are the cause of his actions.
Speaking of special needs... We have begun the process of having our son evaluated by the school district for autism. I want to believe that his only issue is his sensory processing disorder and he is one of the lucky ones that does not have an autism diagnosis to go with the SPD, but the older he gets the more I see his behavior just isn't "right." I can only imagine how this will go with certain family of he is in fact given the educational diagnosis. I am just hoping for answers. I hope he doesn't have aspergers or another high functioning autism, but at least a negative result will allow me to stop questioning if there is something more. Worst case scenario, he has HFA and receives services through the school which will help him lead a normal and productive life. A life in which no one will know unless he tells them.
Disappointment
Today I saw an article from Buzzfeed explaining something called imposter syndrome. Basically thinking you aren't good enough and the things you achieve were not really earned and people were being nice. At that very moment this article hit home. I constantly feel like I am not good enough. I feel that I could make 30 traffic stops in a day and make 2 arrests, and get a work out in and none of that would be good enough for someone (no one in particular.) I feel like just because I made X number of stops that they aren't good enough because they are in spots that are easy to find. I think this because I have been told this. Last I checked a stop is a stop. Never know what that stop will product. But I digress. I feel like I am disappointing my supervisors when something doesn't go "right" or when I try to explain something I am just being selfish and laying blame. Maybe that's what it comes across as, but in MY head I don't see that. I can't step outside and hear myself and wonder how this will be heard by someone else. I feel like I have dissapointed someone I work with and who has now subsequently lost all trust in me. I am not offended or hurt by what he thinks. In my head I know that I did the right thing. I always saw us a good acquaintances, not friends because it's not like I went out for drinks with him or hung out in my spare time, but enough of a listening ear that he felt comfortable venting too. Apparently word got around, not from me, what was said and when I was confronted by a supervisor I told the truth. That evening I told this person what had happened, because I thought that was the right thing to do so he wasn't blindsided by this, and that I tried to deflect but it didn't matter. I may as well plunged a knife right into his back at that very moment. And then here comes my anxiety rearing its ugly little head.
I also feel like I am disappointing my extended family and failing them. I have always had trouble maintaining good relationships with my friends. I know I have upset my sister in law because I have unintentionally let our friendship dwindle. We were suite mates and friends in college. That's where we met and that's how she met my brother. So our relationship is more than the girl my brother married. Not only that, I am missing out on seeing my niece and nephew. I often feel like I am stretched so thin. Days I work... I get off, go home, eat dinner, Bathe the boys, get them to bed, then spend a little time with my husband. My off days.... Get boys up, take one to school, go workout, get lil guy from school (pre k) then run errands, (grocery shopping, post office, ect...) feed boys lunch, get lil lil guy down for a nap. By the time he wakes up my husband is about to get off work. I find it so hard to balance my family life with my outside family life with my "social" life. I am so hopeful that with my new schedule next year and having "normal" hours that I will be able to dedicate the time needed to make sure these relationships are all getting the attention they need. I mean, my brother and his family moved back home from Seattle and I feel like I see them only a little more now then I did when they were away and that is not right and it's my fault.
Anxiety
Such a taboo word. People think that if you have anxiety that you are weak, that you just need to get thicker skin and deal with life. Well, not that simple.
Take the story above. Word got back to me that he was basically "done" with me. Even deleted me as a Facebook friend, whatever. I could honestly care less what one person thinks in that instance because I know from the depths of my heart that I did the right thing and did the same thing that any other officer with integrity and respect for their command would have done. My thoughts, though, run out of control about who all has he told, who else thinks I am a backstabbing and untrustworthy bitch. These thoughts race through my head, they wake me from dreams. They spin out of control to the point that I begin to wonder that if the department thinks I am untrustworthy, will they be there for me when I need them? I think they would regardless but my thoughts always revert back to worse case scenarios.
That's just a snipit of the thoughts I have. That is one reason that I took to writing a blog. I felt if I was at least able to pen my thoughts that maybe they would clear my head because now they are out there. My crazy is out there for the world to see, even if it really isn't craziness. I'm not ashamed to admit that I went to see a counselor last summer for my anxiety. It was well worth the time I spent. Telling someone all of my deepest thoughts that had plagued me since I was a teenager felt amazing. The relief I felt when I let it out was immense. Words cannot describe the weight that I felt was lifted off of my shoulders. Over the course of the next 8 weeks of sessions I could tell things were different. I felt free. I felt open. I was also referred to an amazing primary care doc that values the importance of mental health. We talked for a bit and he prescribed me a very mild anti anxiety medication. That in conjunction with my sessions did wonders. I wasn't yelling at the boys so often, I wasn't getting as mad at work about little things, I wasn't being distant or mad at my husband. Things were great. But this medication had a side effect of weight gain. I gained almost 10 pounds in the short months that I took it despite eating well and exercising. I brought my concerns to my doc and he switched my medication. The transition was a little rough. There was a week during the early phase of the switch that nothing was right, I was getting mad at the kids at the drop of a hat, I didn't want my husband near me and I felt like I was just going to explode from my anxiety. The next week all of that went away, presumably because the medication had finally
Leveled out.
My anxiety often causes me to have very rough sleep. It causes me to have no nails. When I am really nervous or anxious about something I pick my nails. I've done it ever since I was at least 4, I know this age because apparently I was doing it in a family photograph. I often pick them to the point that they may bleed or just be painful. I let them grow a few days and then the viscous cycle starts all over. I guess I see it as my outlet. I don't do it because I want the pain. I hate it and that doesn't make me feel better, but it's something that I just can't seem to stop doing. I can stop for a few weeks if I know I have an event coming up that k want to paint my nails for, but those few weeks are like a smoker who can't smoke or an alcoholic that can't have a drink. My biggest relief is when I can actually pick them back down to where they were. Yes, I totally
Sound like a big ball of crazy right now but I swear I'm really not and I am typically able to conceal all of this and lead a "normal" life.
I always wonder if something I said or did is going to come back to haunt me. I always think people have other motives when they are around me. I worry that people will never forgive and forget something I said, even if it was not mean but rather caused a disagreement. I believe that the thought will always be in the back of their kid and I will never get it to go away.
I worry that these "grudges" so to speak will linger and haunt me when I apply for a supervisory position. I was told last year that as long as certain people were In charge that I would probably not get stripes. Wow! Okay! That was one of the things that prompted me to look for employment elsewhere. Why should I stay someone where I have no room for advancement. I didn't want to retire from this position as a patrol officer. I just didn't. I feel that my decision to do this pissed a lot of people off, even if it really didn't and no one thinks anything of it. I felt like my prayers were answered when the school resource officer position came up. I feel that this is someone where that I can excel. This is somewhere that I can envision myself finishing my career at, even if it means retiring as "just" a patrol officer.
Well enough about my cray cray "feelings." Onto happier things!
So we have taken on many milestones for the boys this week. We enrolled our 5 year old in kindergarten for next year. I cannot believe my boy is going to be in school. We delayed him a year so I should be ready, but a part of me is not. I feel like if I blink he will be graduating and we will be shipping him off to San Diego for Marine boot camp and then watching him graduate from his School of Infantry. This kid has grunt written all over him and nothing would make his daddy more proud. Little dude on the other hand, we just don't see the Corps being in his future. He loves to play doctor and checkup so maybe he will go into the navy and be a field medic or become an actual physician through the Navy. We can see that. Then again, he may shy competed away from the military and that's okay with us too.
Speaking of little guy, his 3rd birthday is quickly approaching. When did my baby boy grow up. We still aren't potty trained but we have had some spontaneous success in this matter. We told ourselves that when he was ready he would do it and we wouldn't it force it upon him. We "forced" and forced our 5 year old and all it did was lead to a lot of tears (from in and I,) a lot of stress, and it was all for naught. He still didn't decide to do it until he was almost 4.
The next thing we decided is to change little guys bed into a big boy bed. And no I'm not talking transitioning from a toddler to a big bed.... No, he is still in his crib. Yep my 3 year old still in a crib. He likes it. He likes feeling "confined." He doesn't try to get out, well at least he hadn't done that until recently. The other morning he threw open my bedroom door and announced to me that it was morning time and it was time to get up. Well okay, big boy bed time. We found a really cool memory foam mattress at a local store for a really good price and it comes with a memory foam contour pillow. Not going to lie, I am pretty excited. I'm not sure who is more excited. We went to target afterwards and he picked out "truck" bedding. He has carried the package all around the house ever since we got it since we don't have the mattress because they had to order it in. Can't wait!
I began the new year with my typical get back into the gym dedication. I may stick with this. Since last Monday, (1/4) I have lost 5 pounds. I am very excited. My goal is 25 pounds so I am hopeful by summer I can achieve my goal!!!
One more day and we get to leave for a short weekend trip! We are taking the boys to Kansas City. We had some choice hotel reward points we had to use by the end of January so this was what we chose. We are taking them to a restaurant called T Rex. Our boys will love this!! It's a dinosaur themed restaurant like Rainforest Cafe. Even though it's just an overnight trip, we are excited. It's nice to just get away. To get away from "life" and have fun.
So anyway, that's really all I got for now. The beginning of this post was just a lot of thoughts that had been weighing on me for a while and I just needed to get it out. Sorry if it seemed like a rant or a complain session, because that was totally not the intention.
Thanks for taking your time to read this!
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